MARK reviews JURASSIC PARK #1!!!!



STORY: Bob Schreck

ART: Nate Van Dyke


REVIEW: Master Filmmaker Mark Mackner

Holy shit! Did YOU know that a JURASSIC PARK comic book series was coming out???? I sure didn’t. How’d THAT happen? I guess somehow, between all the masterful filmmaking that I’ve been doing, this little tidbit managed to slip by me. Now, I’m not sure how YOU feel about a JURASSIC PARK comic book, but I’m all for it. Comic books AND dinosaurs? TOGETHER?????? Holy fuck!!!!! Put Spider-Man and Boba Fett in this thing, and I’d have multiple orgasms. OK, so they’ve got dinosaurs in a comic book. It’s pretty hard to fuck that up, but it’s not impossible. So how’d these guys do?

First, let’s take a look at the cover. It’s the first thing you see, so it’s gotta GRAB you, right? Did this cover GRAB me? Frank Miller drew a fucking spinosaurus eating somebody. Yeah, that grabbed me. Yeah, you can say what you want about Miller’s more recent output (And I’ll join in with you… it fucking SUCKS!), but consider this… somebody approached him and said, “Hey, Frank, they’re doing a Jurassic Park comic book. Feel like drawing a dinosaur for the cover?” And so he did. That, in and of itself, is pretty fucking cool. And he draws a mean dinosaur.

OK, now we’re past the cover. Sort of. Don’t skip the INSIDE cover, ‘cause that’s where we learn that this story is set “13 years after the events of the first JURASSIC PARK motion picture”. Very well, then. Does this mean that we’re disregarding the other two JP movies? NO! But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Once the comic actually starts, it says “Two years ago”. So is this part set ELEVEN years after the events of the first JP motion picture? Let’s say it is.

Remember the kids from the 1st JP? The brother and sister? Tim and Lex? Hammond’s grandchildren? Well, they’re all grown up now. And what have they been up to since being stalked by velociraptors in that classic kitchen scene? Well, Lex has founded LEXXCROPS (Surely a play on LEXCORP), an organic food giant. Timmy is dealing with some shady fellows who want to open another Jurassic Park, unbeknownst to Lex. Lex herself addresses the UN on the importance of policing the Isla Nublar, keeping everyone off of it, and doing everything possible to prevent the opening of another dinosaur-themed death trap.

But Timmy’s venture will be DIFFERENT, right? He clearly doesn’t want to hurt anyone. His park is being stocked with only “docile herbivores”. And “absolutely no velociraptors”. Does ANYONE reading this believe that for even a small fraction of a second? No. FUCK NO. This series will feature doorknob-turning, airplane-riding raptors who call each other for help, and can effectively text while driving. COUNT ON IT. Foolish, foolish Timmy. You witless little bastard. Oh, the havoc that will be wreaked in the name of your greed-fueled endeavors!

And are there any other familiar faces from the series? DR. WU, the geneticist from the first film/book pops up, engineering dinos for the new park. And that dude with the beard and cowboy hat from the second movie who the bad guys brought along for his dinosaur expertise? You know, the dude who was eaten in the waterfall, and the waterfall turned red with his blood? Well, there’s a guy in the comic who looks JUST LIKE THAT GUY, but I’m pretty sure he was dead. DR. SATTLER (aka “The Laura Dern character” calls Lex on the phone, but she’s not seen. DR. GRANT is mentioned, but it’s made pretty clear that he most likely will not be involved in this story.

But we’re not here for the CHARACTERS necessarily, are we? We want DINOSAURS!!!! Not docile fucking herbivores, either. We want FLESH-RIPPING CARNIVOROUS MONSTERS!!!! So anyway, this park that Timmy’s involved with is being set up in Glen Rose, Texas. Dr. Wu is making the dinos. The cowboy hat guy is there because he resembles a real paleontologist. And for some stupid reason, the rest of the staff is comprised of short-tempered sociopaths who do retarded things like zapping a triceratops with a stun gun. Didn’t they see what happened to Peter Stormare in the 2nd movie? And those were LITLE dinos! We’re talking TRICERATOPS here! They can impale a T. Rex on their 3 horns of TERROR!

And the rich mastermind behind the whole thing is EVIL, I tells ya. EEEEEEVIL!!!!!! How do I KNOW he’s EVIL? He’s opening a dinosaur park. He’s wheelchair-bound and sits in shadows. And we can just barely see that his face is kinda scarred up. Plus, only true fools and total psychos can possibly think that this is going to end well.

Case in point… a ceratosaurus (They didn’t even SAY that in the comic… I can tell just by LOOKING at it what it is) escapes and wanders astray. Now, I don’t wear a beard or a cowboy hat, but I KNOW that a ceratosaurus is NOT a docile herbivore. So someone’s obviously breaking THAT rule already. Anyway, some wild dogs and cows are eaten, and our story is under way!!!!!

To summarize, if you like comic books, dinosaurs, and watching people make really stupid decisions, then you’re sure to enjoy this new title.

STORY: B (Good set-up, but nothing as awesomely original as that amazing John Sayles script for JP 4, where the military utilizes the dinos as weapons of war. Too bad we’ll never see THAT!)

ART: B (Serviceable art on the humans, but Van Dyke can draw a nice-looking dinosaur).

And THAT is the WORD, so sayeth the MASTER!

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2 Comments to “MARK reviews JURASSIC PARK #1!!!!”

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  1. Nightpete says:

    i haven’t read the alleged jp4 script but i heard there would be dinomen? i was promised gun wielding dinomen at some point and it has yet to materialize. color me very disappointed.

  2. Mark Mackner says:

    There certainly were gun-wielding dinomen in that script. And you’re not the only one who’s very disappointed that we were robbed of the opportunity to meet them. The 1st film I make that has a budget anywhere NEAR 1 million WILL feature at least ONE gun-wielding dino man. That’s MY promise to YOU, Night Pete. Oh, and while I have your attention, nice review of ECLIPSE!!!!! I’ve not yet seen it, but all of the question you posed seemed perfectly valid.

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