Pop5: Worst ComicBook Movie Moments

Hey there, word-readers! Welcome to this month’s POP5 List: our Top Five WORST Comic Book Movie Moments, a perfect retort to last month’s BEST of list..This is the forum wherein the contributors can each have a turn coming up with their best and worst of pop culture, cause really…who doesn’t love a good list?
Please comment below if you have anything to offer! Whose list is best? Who do you disagree with? Let us know!

JD:
For my list, I’m not going with scenes from films that were low budget or purposely bad..I’m going with films that had so much money pumped into them, there should be no good excuse for such atrocities on the big screen.

5.) Catwoman – Every Scene.
If you’ve seen this film, I’m sure you’ll have the same trouble I had. What about it was the WORST? Well, the answer is easy. ALL OF IT. This film had no right forcing it’s way into existence, ESPECIALLY after Michelle Pfeiffer‘s amazingly sexy turn as Catwoman in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns.

4.) Superman II – Makin’ Powers Up as We Go (Battle in the Fortress of Solitude)
Sooo, this hurts me because Supes II made my list last month with the fantastic Metropolis City fight against the evil Kryptonians. However, after Kal opens his peepers to see that half of friggin’ Metropolis is decimated due to their fight, he decides to lead them away to do final battle in his Fortress of Solitude, for what will surely be the baddest of all badassery, yes?
NO. At this point, the filmmakers take it upon themselves to say fuck the rules and give Superman, Zod, Ersa and Non completely made-up powers. I remember watching in awe and confusion as the Man of Steel makes…intangible duplicates of himself, and PEEL THE EMBLEM OFF HIS CHEST TO SUBDUE A VILLAIN??!?! WHAT? Yeah, he literally takes the “S-shield” off his spandex tights and throws it at one of the baddies. It expands and wraps around the doofus like super-fucking-seran-wrap. On and Kryptonians can now use white beams from their fingertips to levitate shit. Even as a tiny child, I was calling shenanigans on that isht.

3.) Fantastic Four – Any pun-laden dialogue.
Punning isn’t clever writing. At one point before the accident, Doom tells Reed Richards “Same old Reed, always stretching, reaching for the stars.”  and “Why the long face?”. Get it? Cause he can stretch?
Reed asks Ben how he’s doing, after the accident but before he turns into the Thing. Ben’s response? “Solid”
Eat it, writers. You suck.

2.) Blade – The coup de grace.
Just as Blade is about to deliver the final blow to Deacon Frost, he mutters through gritted teeth: “Some muthafuckas are always tryin’ to ice-skate uphill.” What the boogens this means, or why he says it, I hadn’t the foggiest, nor do I to this day. Talk about a lame-assed attempt at an awesome killing line. Bah.

1.) Punisher: War Zone – The Villains.
They say that a character is only as interesting as his best villain. Well that certainly does not apply to this film. For 75% of the film, the audience watches two movies spliced together. There is the awesome and pretty bad-ass version of Frank Castle running around, living in sewers and being …well….Frank. (I’ll forgive the Jason Voorhees-esque strength that Frank seems to have. I believe at one point he punches someone in the face only to have that face basically explode..but still, overall, his bits were cool). The other part of the movie follows the villains led by Jigsaw. There is NOTHING redeemable or forgivable in any of the performances by the actors playing the baddies of this film. I don’t understand what possessed them to do whatever it was they were doing during this movie. The worst of the worst though? African-american-parkour-practicing couriers with scottish accents. The only good part about them was the one getting blown up by a bazooka, mid-somersault. Still, I wanna punch the fact that RISE AGAINST is playing during this scene.


Uncle Dunklenutz

5.) XMen Origins: Wolverine – Wolverine First getting his claws. I have to say this was just plain stupid.  I realize these are supposed to be brand new and shiny, but it’s not a friggin’ car commercial.  They didn’t need to make it look so shiny and super sharp to as to make it unreal.  They just cut through his flesh; add a little blood or something.  MAKE IT REAL!!!!

4.) Barb Wire – Fat Man goes Boom! This movie had so many things wrong with it, but you know they didn’t have to go so far with the fat man. I half expected some chicken legs and lettuce to land on a hood of a junk car.  Do I need much to be entertained? No. But 12 year old me was just trying to masturbate to Baywatch babe, Pamela Anderson.

3.) Batman & Robin – Arnold Schwarzenegger WHAT? Yeah, so I always thought Victor Fries was supposed to be intelligent. Maybe we should just reboot “Silence of the Lambs” with Silvester Stalone as Dr. Hannibal Lecter. One quote is all Arnold needs, “Tonight, hell freezes over!” Stop it!

2.)  SpiderMan 3 – Peter Parker Emo Scenes. This was an all-time low for comic book movies. Whether they wanted to just try to be comedic or they thought this was a good idea they have single-handedly destroyed my faith in the Spider-Man series. I loved the first one and the second one was pretty good, but emo? Honestly, what were you thinking Sam Raimi?  Thank God for the Reboot Movement.

1.) Hulk – Mutant Puppies, WHY???????? So I inflicted a massive blow to my temple so I could forget this movie, but JD is an ass and forced us Poptards to dig deep.  Fuck this movie and I wish those dogs really got hurt. (the mutant ones) Why do mutant dogs go poof when they get ripped apart? Once again, I hate you JD; and for all of you directors out there, remember this mistake and abort any ideas of making anything close to this.

Slai

5.) XMen Origins: Wolverine – I choose this as 5 of my 5 because while I can’t name a specific scene, it was overall pretty painful.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to pay to see it, it was the chosen field trip of the mental health patients I was chaperoning.

4.) Halle Berry as Catwoman – I’m not a HB hater, really I’m not.  I just want her to stop participating in action movies and scripts stemming from comic books.

3.) Peter Parker watching Mary Jane’s musical in SpiderMan 3 – So very, very puke worthy.  You can’t mix that much cheese and artificial sweetness created from manufactured earnestness without a volatile physical reaction.

2.) Halle Berry as Storm in all of the XMen Series– Mostly because I like the character of Storm so much in the graphic novels and back in the day of watching the X-Men cartoon as a kid.  Halle Berry has neither the intrigue nor exotic nature that Storm embodies.  Sometimes casting has to go beyond bringing in the big names to really tell the story.

1.) The jelly beans in the martini glass in Ghost Rider. An audible, “Fuck you” to Nicolas Cage involuntarily exited my mouth upon seeing this scene.  Up until Kick-Ass I refused to see a Nicolas Cage movie, though he somewhat redeemed himself as Big Daddy, but I think that had more to do with the director.

Master Film Maker Mark Mackner

5.) Ghost Rider.  “Jelly beans in the martini glass”. This is just retarded.  For 2 guys who claim they LOVE comics, Nic Cage and “director” Mark Steven Johnson have no qualms about pissing all over beloved comic creations (Johnson appears again later on this list).  Take “Ghost Rider”, for example.  GHOST RIDER!  You know, the guy with a fiery skull head, who rides a motorcycle with wheels of flame, and brutalizes his foes with a heavy chain and his “Penance stare”, and all the powers of HELL?  You know?  That guy?  Of course you do.  He’s badassery defined.  That is, until Cage and Johnson get their hands on him.  Now he eats jelly beans and is obsessed with Karen Carpenter. And acts like Nic Cage doing ANOTHER Elvis impersonation.  I can just imagine what Nic’s first day on the set was like.

CAGE: Hey, guys.  I’m Nicolas Cage.

JOHNSON: Hey, Nic.  I’m Mark, the director.  Now, in this scene we’re about to shoot here…

CAGE: I’m gonna be Elvis.

JOHNSON: But… but you’re Johnny Bl-

CAGE: Elvis.  I’m gonna play this part just like Elvis.  People LOVE Elvis!

JOHNSON: That… that’s not really…

CAGE: I’m Elvis.  Done.  Also, I’m gonna eat jelly beans.  FROM A MARTINI GLASS!!!!  HA!

JOHNSON: Um… OK…

CAGE: That’s right, bitch!  Now go make me a sandwich!

I mean, this whole movie smacks of a big-name star coming in, and walking all over the director, who didn’t have the balls to tell the guy that he was ruining his movie.  But this is Mark Steven Johnson, after all.  He would’ve found another way to fuck it up.  Like, you know.  Wes Bentley as “Blackheart”. <shudder>

4.) Batman Forever – “It’s boiling acid!”  You know the scene.  It’s the first fucking scene in the movie.  You barely have 5 minutes to give the movie a chance before this happens.  Immediately, you’re struck by the wild pink and purple lighting.  “Hmm.  I can see this is gonna be quite a bit different from Burton’s vision”, you think to yourself.  And  that’s to be expected.  Fine.  Whatever.  Then we meet Tommy Lee Jones’ Two Face.  “Well, I guess they’re abandoning the whole dual nature of the character, which is the very thing that defines him.  He’s just gonna be batshit crazy the whole time.  OK, what next?”

Then there’s THIS fucking guy.  Two Face is robbing a bank vault, setting a trap for Batman.  And there’s this security guard who gets trapped in the vault with Batman.  The vault starts filling up with, well, boiling acid.  And the guy reacts in such a way that I very nearly got up and left the theater.  Jones’ Two Face is a subtle work of restraint by comparison.  IT’S BOILING ACID!!!!!  Fuck that guy.

3.) XMen “You know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?” Bad writing, apparently.  The only reason this isn’t #1 on the list is because the rest of the scene leading up to it is fine.  In fact, the entire movie as a whole is pretty decent up to this point.  Better than I expected.  Certainly could’ve been MUCH worse.  Then this line comes along.  I remember seeing this in the theater like it was yesterday.  Myself and fellow PopTard JD are at the theater.  Storm is battling Toad.  Toad is a bit tougher than you expected him to be, and the scene is going just dandy.  Toad thinks he has Storm beaten, and turns his back on the costumed hero. She gets up, and starts summoning the forces of the weather to rain a wicked vengeance on him.  The doors blow open, the wind is whipping everything around, the clouds are dark.  Clearly, Toad is in an assload of trouble.  But, it wouldn’t be a big-budget Hollywood action blockbuster if the hero didn’t fire a witty barb of dialogue at the villain before doing him in.  So she begins… “Know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?”  The entire audience in the movie theater leaned forward a little, awaiting what was surely to be an ass-kicking answer to that question.  But what did we get instead?  “The same thing that happens to everything else.”  Gee, thanks, Storm.  And brilliant fucking screenwriters.  Thank you for enlightening us with your masterful knowledge of weather and zoology.  Oh, and also?  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING ASS for filling our ears with that horseshit.

2.) SpiderMan 3 .  Bernard the Butler scene. OK, I’m the first guy to admit that I did not hate Spider-Man 3.  I actually wrote an article in defense of it once.  To me, it’s easily the best third entry in a comic movie franchise.  Seeing as how it’s competition includes “Blade 3”, “Batman Forever”, and “Superman 3”, I know that’s not saying much, but still.  I will once again go on the record as saying that, overall, I enjoyed it.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s look at this scene, shall we?  I mean, it’s one thing to go against actual comic book continuity (You gotta expect that in the movie adaptations), but to go against the continuity of the very movie series itself????  UNFORGIVABLE.  We all saw the first “Spider-Man” movie.  At the end, Spidey very clearly leaves Norman’s body on the couch.  Harry walks in immediately and finds him.  THERE IS NO BERNARD THE BUTLER IN THAT SCENE!!!!!  NONE!  Not so, says “Spider-Man 3”.

“I was there that night.  I tended to your father when he was brought here.  I cleaned his wound.”  Really?  So Harry just up and left the room, completely missed you on the way out, and never came back?  Right.  “I can say without question, that your father died by his own hand.”  Really?  Why are you wasting your time as a butler?  You could be on CSI: New York, dude!  Obviously, he wasn’t THERE when the Glider crashed into Norman (Though it wouldn’t have been surprising if he’d said THAT next).  So he possesses the uncanny ability to just look at a stab wound and go, “Well, that was obviously done by his own Goblin Glider, that he activated to crash into himself, without any involvement from Spider-Man, or anyone else for that matter.  Isn’t it OBVIOUS????”  And, on top of it all, he’s not a very good actor.  Bernard the Butler.  Bollocks.

1.) Daredevil – Playground “fight”. I just couldn’t believe this fucking scene.  Even as I was watching it for the first time, I just could not fucking believe it.  I was skeptical of this entire production from the start.  Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock?  Bullseye without a mask?  Nu Metal soundtrack?  From the director of “Simon Birch”?  They were gonna have to work REALLY hard to win me over.

And, well, for a little while, they almost had me.  Affleck was doing OK, the costume looked decent.  Bullseye didn’t have a mask, but he was funny.  Then this shit happens.  Bennifer, falling in love before our very eyes.  But that’s not what sucks about it.  It’s just, the whole way it’s filmed…  is just completely ridiculous!  I saw it for the first time on video.  I missed it in the theater somehow.  But, no shit, the part where he throws his cane up in the air, then waits for it, and catches it?  I would have fucking left and went home, and drunk myself into oblivion if I’d seen that on the big screen.  Then the way the kids peek around the corner to watch?  Like it’s a Little Rascals episode?  The whole tone of the scene is out of tune with the rest of the story.  I don’t know, I wish I could think of something funnier to say here, but I remember this scene just pissing me off, and that’s why it’s the WORST.

Kristen Love

1.) 300 – the one where the lumpy guy goes to meet Xerxes
So he offers lumpy guy anything he wants and you’re really led to believe that you’re about to be watching lumpy guy sex – lumpy guy orgy sex.  I was very afraid.

2.) XMen Origins: Wolverine – uh… any scene, but we’ll go with this one:  Bustin’ out of the barn on the motorcycle. So, he’s on the motocycle and just comes tearing like a bat out of hell all flyin’ through the air or was he walking and doing the quintescential “cool guys don’t look back at explosions” bit?  I dont’ know.  Either way it was just dreadful.

3.) XMen Origins: Wolverine – Crying in the rain
Really?  Really guys?  After all we’ve been through together you’re going to go that route and go with Wolverine on his knees screaming at the heavens in a torrential down pour?  I hate you.  This relationship is officially over.

4.) SpiderMan 3 – Dance choreography.
Need I say more?  Just dreadful.

5.) A History of Violence – Doing it on the steps
I’m not sure if it’s just terrible or terribly awesome, but I didn’t see it coming (no pun intended) and I’ll never wash that image out of my head.

Optimous Douche

Nary any research went into this, I merely plucked what was still clinging to the resin on my frontal lobe.

5.) Anything involving Rachel Dawes from The Dark Knight
Why did we need this character? She was so useless they were able to interchange homely actresses without anyone batting an eyelash from movie 1 to movie 2. She served as a romantic device in a world that has never needed one. There was not one “Rachel” scene used to drive the story forward that couldn’t have been supplanted with character x. I was really glad when it was Harvey Dent that was saved towards movie 2’s third ending.

4.) Fantastic Four – Johnny Storm isn’t Blond.
Look, I dig Chris Evans and he has all of the bravado and swagger required to pull off a character like Johnny Storm. You know what he’s not though…blond. Again, I’m cool with him being a brunette in the movie. Just don’t write in a line about him being blond when his hair is clearly cemented in the “ashy” brunette category.

3.)  Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
This isn’t about a scene that was in this double-gainer into oblivion. No, this is about the almost hour of missing footage that was cut by the studio that might have given this movie a snowball’s chance in hell of actually making sense. It was the Big S’s last chance at redemption for almost twenty years and boy did he need a chance after the nightmare that was…

2.) Superman III
Where wasn’t this movie bad? It was horrible everywhere front to back. If I had to pick one moment that I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the people on screen (and keep in mind I saw this when I was like 7), it would have to be the end where Richard Pryor is doing his obligatory villain monologueing before Superman sets everything right again. I hate the monologue device in villains to begin with, but when you have a director that allows Richard Pryor to improv this monologueing at the height of Richard’s crack use, you get a scene that makes angels’ die and kittens get cancer.

1.) SpiderMan – any scene with Kirsten Dunst
I’m a 6′ 5″ blond haired man. I am closer to Mary Jane than Kirsten Dunst. Also, yes we know she’s damaged goods, but that’s not all she is. She’s also so fucking smoking hot that she can just smile and own the world. There’s a confidence that comes with that. A level of cuntishness that is 1000x more powerful than every girl that rejected you in High School. Sam Raimi fell down when he envisioned how to use this character in the movie and splatter shit on top of that mistake with casting Kirsten. It’s not all your fault sweetheart.

Jess “The Hoss” Tutton

5.) Blade – I don’t know if this is the best or the worst, but in Blade, the following line: “Some mother fuckers always gotta try and ice skate uphill.” Blade takes shit way too seriously. I mean Wesley Snipes, who convinced himself he actually was Blade for a few months.

4.) The first Hulk movie – the fight in the stars was the lamest climax battle to ever happen in superhero filmdom.

3.) Fantastic Four – Jessica Alba as a scientist/ geneticist? Case closed. Every time I saw her with a clipboard, or “doing science” I was rolling my eyes hard core. When she opened her mouth, the situation only got worse.

2.) Catwoman – Couldn’t even make my way through the movie, so I can’t really say what the WORST scene is. The acting was just really really  bad. So bad, me, who watches bad movies on purpose- had to shut it off. It made me hate the character I had grown to love, which is just a really bad thing.

1. ANYTHING Mr. Freeze does or says in “Batman & Robin– Mr. Freeze used to be one of my favorite Batman characters. I loved the love story between him and his wife, and his sense of loss. But trust Shcumaker to make light of the situation and make Mr. Freeze into a cartoony version of the Three Stooges. Also everything he says has to do with freezing and ice which is the most g-damn annoying thing to ever happen in the history of film. Let’s review some of the lines of dialogue, shall we?
– You’re not sending ME to the COOLER!
– Mercy? I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
– Tonight, hell freezes over!
– Freeze in hell, Batman!
– Winter has come at last
-Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.

My second favorite:.
– ” Ice to see you! ”

And my personal favorite:
– In this universe, there’s only one absolute… everything freezes!

“Nite”Pete Tutton:

5.) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Weaponization

i know this isn’t exactly a comic book movie per se, but i have it on good authority that gi joe comic books exist and therefore this is a comic book move, ipso facto. i don’t care which came first, the dolls, the cartoon or the funny book for the purposes of this article, it counts. the worst scene in the gi joe movie is when the baroness forces the techs at her hubby’s lab to weaponize their little toxin or poison or whatever. in principle, i have no problem with the idea of a terrorist group weaponizing this chemical agent, but where this scene gets into trouble is the “science” behind the process. it was like this lab already had a specially designed weaponization chamber and all you had to do was to hit the “weaponize” button in order to turn this chemical into a warhead. that was easy!

4.) SpiderMan 3 – The butler did it
up to this point, the osbourne family butler was relegated to just serving drinks and cleaning up after those nutty goblins. but in 3, he gets his moment chance to shine, delivering a soliloquie of deep familial insights to harry. it was like this guy had been involved all along, but raimi had just decided to shield us from his awfulness. it was like they decided that they needed to upgrade the butler to alfred status. fail.

3.) Ghost Rider – any scene with wes bentley

i mean, seriously, who thought that the plastic-bags-are-beautiful guy from american beauty would make a good villain? he projects about as much menace as a tickle me elmo doll (dated reference? i don’t care. all right, how about that thing from yo gabba gabba? better?). hey wes bentley, haven’t seen you for a while. oh right, that’s because you managed to make a crappy movie worse by the mere virtue of your being in it. ouch.

2.) From Hell – Heather Graham’s Accent

another one from the questionable casting department. heather graham may have been a convincing 70’s porn star but the same can not be said about her as a victorian prostitute. you’d think this would be a cakewalk for old rollergirl because these roles are completely analogous, but the trouble is that she’s about as cockney as my left testicle. and my left testicle is not cockney.

1.) X-Men – Joss Whedon’s Shame
i’ve heard that the only line that survived from joss whedon’s treatment of the x-men script was a clunker delivered by storm (played by catwoman) to toad (played by darth maul). “you know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightening? the same thing that happens to everything else.” huh? did i miss something? was that supposed to be a zinger? that’s more of a remedial science lesson. or the ponderings of a beavis, or possibly a butthead.
So that’s this month’s POP5!!
Let us know what you think, leave a comment!
Thanks,
JD

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8 Comments to “Pop5: Worst ComicBook Movie Moments”

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  1. Mark Mackner says:

    Hoss, you forgot one of Arnold’s best lines as Mr. Freeze… “Now is the winter of our discontent”. I dunno, I’ve grown to view that performance as “so bad, it’s amazing” over time. And while Blade’s farewell line to Deacon Frost is a headscratcher, there’s no denying that it’s entertaining. Remember seeing that in the theater for the very first time, and the collective BUH-WHA???? from the audience that followed? That’s a classic movie-going memory, that.

    And JD, I almost pissed myself when I saw that you actually included the BOILING ACID clip from Youtube. Thank you for helping to prove my point. I mean, LOOK atthat guy! If ever someone DESERVED to be dropped into boiling acid…

  2. JD (Host) says:

    Optimous: this hour of missing footage from Supes IV..have you seen that? And if so, did it make the movie any more bearable?

    NitePete: That bit of dialogue didn’t really bother me, I thought it was kinda funny, if HB didn’t deliver it. If it was said by say..Mal Reynolds from Serenity, I think the line would be thought of better, you know? I blame not Joss, but Hally Berry for sucking the life out of ANY script she’s given. ALSO: I think some of the other bits from his script that were kept in were Wolverine giving Cyclops the middle “finger” by way of retracting his two outer claws, and during the Mystique is running around posing as people scene, when Cyclops sees Wolvy and almost blasts him, Logan says:
    Logan: Hey, don’t shoot, it’s me!
    Scott: How do I know that?
    Logan: …..you’re a dick.
    Scott: ….ok.

    Those are my two fave bits from the movie.

    Mark: Yeah I was super excited to find that clip!! I remember wanting to punch the movie screen when that happened!

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s lunch time and I have a martini glass full of red and yellow jelly bellys to eat.

  3. Mark Mackner says:

    Really, JD? You don’t think it was the LINE, but the ACTRESS who ruins that moment? Face it, dude. That line, I don’t fucking care WHO wrote it, is fucking retarded. NO ONE could have made that line cool. Mal Reynolds, Spike, the Mayor of Sunnydale… not even the greatest of Whedon characters could’ve made that sound cool.

  4. The Hoss says:

    Nite Pete & Mark- NICE with the Butler. That “for sake of convenience” scene has always pissed me off to no end! Forgot a little something, did we butler? For a few years, hmmm?

    Mark- I do agree. Blade is so bad, it’s good.You made me laugh out loud with the boiling acid shit.

    JD- Nice with blade. Great minds think a like. I totally forgot about the emblem thing with Superman. I laid off the Daredevil for your sake buddy.

    Everyone- FUCKING Ghost Rider. I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist but you guys reminded me! UGH! I want that time back. In my brain.

  5. Mark Mackner says:

    Glad you enjoyed my musings on the legendarily dreadful “Boiling Acid Scene”, Hoss! I wrote a reply to your ESB article. Maybe when Jaydee puts down the jelly beans, he can post it 😉 I KEED I KEED!!!!!!

  6. JayDee says:

    I disagree because u are wrong. That is all.

  7. JayDee says:

    Oh Daredevil will be making an appearance in next month’s POP5, trust me!

  8. I’ve seen bits of the uncut Supes 4 footgae, but all was out of context. Remember I said it could have “helped” the movie. And by help I mean at least have it make sense. Not sure any extra footage could have made it good.

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