Optimous Douche decimates DEATHSTROKE 10

 

DEATHSTROKE 10
Artist & Writer: Rob Liefeld
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Optimous Douche

I try not to be hard on Mr. Liefeld as I’m a direct contributor to his meteoric rise to success in the early 90s. I was there through everything, HAWK & DOVE, NEW MUTANTS and the ultimate shitting of the bed, anything Image. He captured something during those “In Living Color” days and as fans we couldn’t get enough.

But he wasn’t the only thing I loved back then: I loved Z Cavariccis, a pair of pants that gave everyone that attractive 8 inches of waist that make a torso complete. I loved C&C Music Factory because it was rap white bred suburban kids could understand.  I loved Cheers, because the banter between Sam and Rebecca was so sexually “charged.” And last but certainly not least I loved Tiffany Amber Thiessen in ways that still make my right hand blush.

Here’s the thing though, human knowledge and art are exponential in growth. They’re a building process wherein we take what was before extracting and carrying forward the elements of truth that resonate within the core of our collective humanity while leaving the “fad” elements behind.

I’m all for second chances, assuming the transgressions of the past are rectified and those that trespass against us learn the error of their ways.

So I gave Rob’s new titles a chance when the New 52 launched last year, thinking…actually make that hoping Mr. Liefeld would have taken some classes like Feet 101 (or how I learned to love arches), Physics Is Your Friend (or sometimes people walk), Guns – Triggers are Useful, Faces – Humans Aren’t Perpetually Shitting and last but certainly not least Screen Doors – Why All Stories Should Not Take place on Your Front Porch.

Sadly, Rob didn’t learn shit and I’m guessing neither did the comics world. Not only does Rob still get work without improving one iota, but with over 25,000 Twitter followers, a legion of blog hits and more titles churning off the presses by the day, we have proven beyond doubt that the core of human existence is misery suffering and a perpetual cycle of repeating our past mistakes.

I want to ask DC a question. If you have a loved one with cancer and a whisper of hope to save their life, would you get the worst doctor imaginable that charged you an arm and a leg? That’s DEATHSTROKE 10. Slade Wilson ruled the comic scene for a long time, never A-list, but certainly rising to a respectable B through his early days. He was lost in the reboot, but certainly not beyond redemption.

So what does DC do, instead of getting him the best treatment available to comic science, they instead fix him with a quack who not only embodies every past mistake, but brings a slew of new WTF moments with each passing panel.

Matt Adler said on our podcast last night, “DEATHSTROKE 10 is Liefeld at his Liefeldiest.” Meaning if you enjoy comic autopsies, here are the goods.  Matt’s a nice guy and was trying to find something nice to say. I equate this statement to saying, “Hey if you liked genocide, then Hitler circa 1941 was ole’ Adolf at his most Hitlarian.”

The raping of comic good taste happens on page one. RobLef takes the examples Peter Jackson taught us about forced perspective in “Lord of the Rings” and gleefully shits all over them. As our favorite Czarian Lobo eats at a small dessert diner, he, his table and all of the food he’s eating is ten times larger than anything else in the scene. When a lovely waitress saunters up, I was thrilled to see Boom-Boom in comics again, until I realized this is just a waitress and Rob is only capable of drawing one type of woman in street clothes. This scene might have been funny and perhaps interesting if I had never seen the movie “Roadhouse,” but being a huge fan of the entire Swayze catalog, I was nonplussed when Lobo starts a fight with a biker in the diner and takes his bike.  What did amuse me though for all the wrong reasons is how RobLef drew the biker as he gets punched through a doughnut display case. Instead of actually showing him travelling through the case, RobLef decides to let us imagine how the scene will play out by cutting to the Biker’s legs basically being attached to the case like a Garfield car window hanger. I mean honestly, do we really need to convey motion when God gifted us with these vivid imaginations…well some of us.

In case you didn’t know, Rob still writes terribly as well. As Lobo rides off into the sunset on how newly acquired bike with awesome space age treadles tires, we are treated to five monologue boxes that sound nothing like Lobo. This internal pontificating reminded me of my “Corky Reads Hemingway” Time/Life books on tape.

So where is Lobo going? To look for a ship.

Oh…well that’s  uhmmm awesome. I can’t wait to keep reading. Or I guess I could go read a good comic about looking for a spaceship called SAGA. No, no why enjoy myself, let me keep reading DEATHSTROKE.

This would be as good a time as any to mention the intensity of this issue. We all know that not just ventriloquists talk through gritted teeth; a lot of people are doing it these days to wear away those pesky incisors we all have and avoid any hope of clear diction. I bet what you didn’t know though is that lip removal is becoming a huge fad amongst kids these days, I mean honestly who needs lips when you can just use your teeth to keep your insides protected from germs and penises trying to get inside. Seriously, I’ve seen so many lipless teenagers tehse days it wasn’t at all disconcerting when they were completely absent from the book.

So Slade Wilson shows up and he’s looking for Lobo, because Lobo is bad and Slade is good. Wait, that’s not right. Look, fuck you and your need for logic. Slade wants to find Lobo and we’re along for the ride whether we like it or not. Kind of like going to visit Grandma in the home, not fun, but you feel kind of obligated. RobLef clearly remembered the first rule of launching a new title, readers like to be confused and not understand who the characters are or what drives them. Next up, DEATHSTROKE and some refugees from I think Gen 13 (or insert any Liefeld production from 1990-1997 here) end up at a big hole in the ground that is a penitentiary for bad guys. We know this because the characters say so. In a visual medium like comics it’s always best to tell the story rather than show it.

Once inside, the team (at least I think they’re a team, I don’t fucking know) meet up with a big strong guy who doesn’t like Lobo either. I forgot his name after I took a shower huddled in the fetal position and cried away the memories. From what I can remember of the experience though, this guy had the really cool feature of portals on his body that would appear and disappear from panel-to-panel. I also remember at one point DEATHSTROKE takes off his mask so he could show the bad guy that he doesn’t have lips either and maybe they can get along. At least I think that’s why he took his mask off because I can’t think of another reason and neither could RobLef.

Physics abandoned? Check! Anatomical monstrosities? Check! Feet sans arches or form? Check! Backgrounds in their basic most simple form? Check! A story that neither matters nor makes sense? Check! This is pure Liefeldness and those of you who get off on trimming your pubes with a food processor will not want to miss this foray into comic book masochism.

Seriously, at this point DC is torturing the low selling books. It’s more humane to pull the plug on a book, then pull the plug wait for the last dying breath, and then plug the fucking machine back in again.

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23 Comments to “Optimous Douche decimates DEATHSTROKE 10”

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  1. Pink Apocalypse says:

    I still own the initial run of WildC.A.T.S. (until about issue 30, when I just couldn’t care anymore) for one reason only: Zealot. There was something about that character that just worked for me in a profound way I can’t articulate, and I love her back story.

    Someone online said that she recently made an appearance in Deathstroke, courtesy of Liefeld. I felt like I was going to throw up. I still can’t bring myself to look, and see what he may have done to her.

    I would bake cookies for anyone that travels to wherever the hell it is Liefeld works and then roadhouse him through the plate-glass window of a high-rise office, in the name of his crimes against comic-book-dom.

    That seems like a fair transaction. Just imagine the collective sigh of relief. Of course then you would have 25,000 angry, Keystone swilling brotards and rednecks after you, so plan ahead.

    Fantasy’s fun, but the fact is, he’s going to keep getting work again. And again. And again. It pays to have one of your best buds as your boss, doesn’t it?

    Everybody dance now.

  2. optimous_douche says:

    Please, no one else comment on this story. I want to forget.

    Things that make you go hmmmm indeed!

  3. JD (Host) says:

    I curse my busy schedule in that I ONLY JUST READ THIS NOW!

    Amazing review, Sir Douche.

    I really try to keep things positive and only highlight the good parts of comics, but maaaaaan.

    “in ways that still make my right hand blush.”

    Glorious. Well done mein freund.

  4. JD (Host) says:

    heh…brotards.

  5. Mr_Fancy_Pants says:

    Nice write up Douche.
    This Liefeld resurgence in comics is starting to give me the creeps.
    Hawk and Dove was kinda funny to see on the shelves. It gave everyone in the comic shop something to sneer at. But like that grinning hitch hiker you swear you’ve passed more than once on this dark stretch of highway, Leifeld books keep showing up on the shelves.
    It’s madness… madness!

  6. Optimous Douche says:

    The only thing I can guess is that RobLef has uncompromising pictures of Didio and Quesada dressed as Wonder Woman and She-Hulk respectively. With their penises in each other.

  7. Optimous Douche says:

    Here’s a site I will never go to again: http://comics.cosmicbooknews.com/content/review-deathstroke-10

  8. Pink Apocalypse says:

    Meth is a hell of a drug.

  9. Optimous Douche says:

    Jesus, crap never turned to gold when I was on meth.

  10. Pink Apocalypse says:

    It was a guess. I’ve never done drugs before.

    My brother is a former expert on them though, having done everything at least once. I asked him how hard it was to quit them, and he said it wasn’t…he just decided he had enough and stopped. But he said that didn’t apply to needles, and I quote, “Once you’ve gone to needles, that shit’s got you by the balls,” unquote.

    So questions are posed: Is there a mind-altering drug powerful enough to make Liefeld praise worthy? Is Keystone laced with it? Was the ‘critic’ in question under its influence?

    We’ll never know.

  11. Optimous Douche says:

    Tried them all except needles and horse, and no, nothing makes Liefeld good.

  12. Matt Adler says:

    “Matt Adler said on our podcast last night, “DEATHSTROKE 10 is Liefeld at his Liefeldiest.” Meaning if you enjoy comic autopsies, here are the goods. Matt’s a nice guy and was trying to find something nice to say.”

    Are you sure about that? :)

    I still love “you provide the ice pack after the donkey punch.”

  13. optimous_douche says:

    I was close. I know JD edited out, but I was pretty sure you were the inspiration fro my Hitler comparison.

    Hee-Haw

  14. jaydee says:

    what did I edit out? I don’t think I would have edited something like that out, lol

  15. optimous_douche says:

    Post podcast when we were looking at our shit for next week. Edit was probably the wrong word, not recording would be more accurate.

  16. Chris Buek says:

    Good, funny review, but please please please PLEASE don’t ever compare Cheers to Rob Liefeld again. Cheers, for all its eighties-ness, is still one of the most perfectly crafted television shows ever made.

  17. optimous_douche says:

    I’m marveling at the love on Ain’t It Cool and now here for Cheers. Perhaps I should have picked Sliders.

  18. Chris Buek says:

    28 Emmys, 111 nominations in 11 years. I’m not alone in my love and respect for the show!

  19. jaydee says:

    I’ve never actually watched it.

  20. optimous_douche says:

    Not disagreeing man, Cheers is a classic. Though I will say if you read the review again I mentioned Sam and Rebecca as opposed to Sam and Diane.

    Two distinct periods to be sure. One much better than the other IMHO.

  21. optimous_douche says:

    And that’s why your testicle committed suicide JD.

  22. Matt Adler says:

    Actually, I meant, “Are you sure I meant it as compliment?” :)

    Though I believe the exact quote was closer to “Liefeld distilled to his purest essence.”

    If you bottled that… well, UN inspectors might come calling.

  23. optimous_douche says:

    Oh no, I knew it was a slight, you’re just very kind about your slights.

    We’ll never know since JD stopped recording though I do remember Lifeldiest came up somewhere.

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