Grim_Noir Rides With “The Three Musketeers 3D”

The Three Musketeers 3D poster

If you are one of those self-styled The Three Musketeers purists, then you’re already wrong: Wrong about the book and wrong about the most recent film adaptation.

First of all, let’s not pretend that “The Three Musketeers” was ever Literature with a capital “L.” Alexandre Dumas was a hack writer churning out serialized action/adventure stories for a newspaper. He actually wrote FOUR novels about the musketeers. (He would bring them back every time his finances flagged.) Hell, even the title is inaccurate: there are FOUR of them in the novel, not three. And not one of the “musketeers” ever fires a musket in the novel. (Dumas was taking fencing lessons when he wrote the novel.)

The Three Musketeers 3D rectifies Dumas’ musket oversight within the first five minutes and mixes a variety of armaments with its prototypical swordplay throughout.

Anyone who has seen the trailer may already be wary that this version brings 17th Century SCUBA gear, an assualt on the Tower of London and lighter-than-air battleships to the party. (Courtesy of stolen DaVinci schematics, naturally.) But it also retains a good 80% of what actually appears in the novel: Bumpkin-turned-musketeer, D’Artagnon (Percy Jackson‘s Logan Lerman) crosses swords with the taciturn tactician, Athos (MI5‘s Matthew Macfadyen), as well as soldier-seminarian Aramis (played by Luke Evans, formerly Apollo in the new Clash of the Titans) and the “tank” of the group, Porthos (Volstagg himself, Ray Stevenson). There is courtly intrigue and a frantic journey to England to recover some stolen items that frame Louis XIII’s Queen Anne (a terrifically subtle performance from young Juno Temple), thus threatening to start a continental war.

airship battle

Like all good action movies, heroes are defined by their villians, and “The Three Musketeers” has always had some doozies. The most overt are the scheming Cardinal Richelieu (Inglourious Basterds’ Col. Landa, Christoph Waltz) and his Captain of the Guards, Rochefort. But the big scene-chewers are Orlando Bloom in full Snidely Whiplash mode and Milla Jovovich‘s triple-crossing, back-stabbing, Raquel Welch-meets –Sydney Bristow portrayal of Athos’ ex-lover, Milady de Winter.

de Winter in de thick of it

A heady mix to be sure, but one that goes down smooth as a vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild, especially to anime fans who have already experienced the trippy Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo and the “everything-and-a-unicorn” Romeo X Juliet. Think of it as if Jules Verne were brought in to script-doctor Dumas.

Jovovich’s hubby, director Paul W.S. Anderson keeps all these elements in play like an expert. The fun never waivers, as this flick gleefully breaks canon and stubbornly refuses do the expected. Those looking for the next Oscar winner should just stay home, but for the rest of us, “The Three Musketeers,” in 2D or 3D, delivers a massive jolt of exuberance into the fading colors of Autumn…

The musketeers strut

* GRIM_NOIR is: A) Mad, B) Bad, C) Dangerous to Know, D) Now with 50% More Follow @Grim_Noir on Twitter

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5 Comments to “Grim_Noir Rides With “The Three Musketeers 3D”

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  1. kire says:

    I don’t care about anything other than that fact it has Milla in it. It immediately has my attention.

  2. Jaydee says:

    I’m with u Kire, I love me some Milla, as well… But I think this will be a renter for me.

    Grim, nice review sir!! If it werent for u, I wouldn’t even bother to rent it!

  3. Grim_Noir says:

    Thanks for the kind words, J.D.!

    Let me remind Milla fanboys that this is Ms. Jovovich in 3D, when ya see this in the theater…jus’ sayin’…

  4. jaydee says:

    I feel like I should state for the record that I wanted to punch the trailer for this in the face..
    there’s something I abhor about period pieces that have futuristic technology. I think it brings me back to the awful Wild Wild West movie with Will Smith!

  5. Grim_Noir says:

    The “Wild, Wild West” film had so many, many things wrong with it. Blaming JUST the future tech angle would be negligent of the bad writing, bad acting, and bad directing that “WWW” displayed.

    But don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater: Futurists such as H.G. Wells and (the previously mentioned) Jules Verne did it quite successfully. “The 3 Musketeers” is closer to the current “S.H.I.E.L.D.” comics than Will Smith’s “WWW.”

    If you go into it with the mindset of a 17th Century “Expendables,” you will have a grand old time.

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