MindJack…..more like SuckJack!

MindJack was a very interesting experience.  The concept of the game made it sound like it was going to be amazing, but the delivery is something akin to relieving an itch with a circular saw.  Sure the itch is gone, but so is your arm.

The good things about the game, of which there are few, are completely covered up by the massive amount of missteps and terrible design.  At times it seems like the game was made by several different groups that had neither contact with each other or knowledge that someone else was working on the same game, most likely with a budget that is equal to what I set aside for wishing wells.  It’s like trying to build a house with a group of people, but none of you speak the same language and the foreman is Roomba with a pair of googly eyes glued to it.

The Story is just as disheveled, even for a Square/Enix game. I’ve gotten use to story lines in Square/Enix games being a little odd and sometimes confusing, but for Christ’s sake, the story in MindJack makes Pulp Fiction look like a straight fucking line.  At no point do you have any idea what the hell is going on.  Shit went down, and you just went along for the ride.  The story was so piss poor that it actually made me think fondly of the story in Nier.  At least I understood the motivation there.

The graphics would be absolutely mind blowing…if it were 1998 and it was releasing against Resident Evil 2 (yes, we’re old now, Resident Evil 2 is almost 14 fucking years old).  The samey-ness and unoriginal hallways and corridors seem almost endless.  Any area that does have a hint of originality is quickly tainted by the cookie cutter enemies and objective. Run here, kill dudes, run more, rinse, and repeat.

The A.I. is probably the most retarded thing ever invented in the history of ever.  It is so retarded, that I hate having to call it retarded, because by comparison, everything before now that I’ve ever called retarded has been upgraded to slightly retarded and I have very strong feelings about things I’ve called retarded in the past. It is the scale tipping high level of retard factor that really kills this game from being any good.

Mind hacking, as the title alludes to, is the niche of the game.  At any point in the game you can hop out of your body, or be forced out by too many bullets to the face, and take over any number of civilians, enemies, machines and even a giant fucking monkey.  You can also hack into any player actively connected (so anyone that’s on Xbox Live or PSN that has the hack allowed option enabled) and either wreck shit in their game or aid them. It was this concept that had me salivating for this game.  It is the delivery of that concept that has me vomiting.

The entirety of the game can be summed up by recanting an encounter towards the end of the game, during a battle involving a giant Mech.  Now, if my years of watching Gundam Wing have taught me anything it’s that torso and leg shots are the death nail for Mechs.  Armed with a rocket launcher and a clear path to the reload station I fired what felt like every rocket in the world plus two at the torso and legs of the Mech. At one point I swear it was laughing at me.  By chance, a few rockets missed the mark and seemingly exploded harmlessly on the arm.  Fast forward an hour later, the fucking arm blows up.  My dumber than dirt and more annoying then a ferret in the underpants partner, after an hour of dead silence and testing of the tensile strength of his face versus bullets, chimes in with “great job buddy, now take out the other one.” At some point around missile 100 to the chest of the Mech (and keep in mind, you can only carry 3 rockets at a tyme, one of which is chambered) could he not have chimed in “take out the arms”.  Also, during the whole lobbing of every missile ever campaign, baddies are continuing to spawn, but were so occupied putting bullets into my partner’s face, not even a shot was fired my way.  As long as I kept reviving him every once and awhile, I was left alone to wreck shit on the Mech with the fucking rocket launcher.  After finally defeating the Mech, my partner who was still face down in the dirt, breathing through the 87 new holes in his face, suddenly disappears.  My character wonders out loud “now where did he go to”, which brings me to the last complaint I’m willing to discuss about this train wreck of a game, the voice acting.

Having already brought up Resident Evil, and seeing as it fits so perfectly here, I will use it once again.   The voice acting in MindJack is so bad, that it makes the voice acting in even the original Resident Evil seem like fucking Shakespeare read by God herself.  At points I found myself envying Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z for his ability to rip his own ears off.  If van Gogh played this game, he would have cut his other ear off.  Marlee Matlin would say it sounds terrible.  Even if Sean Connery and Morgan Freeman voiced every character in the game, it would still be terrible.

There are several more things I could bitch about, but I just don’t have it in me.  The game is like a sewage sandwich on a turd roll.  Which makes it so much more painful because I love Square/Enix.  For bringing Kingdom Hearts into existence (my favorite series of all time) they will always get a pass on crap games, but MindJack is nearly inexcusable.  The level of rage this game inspires I usually reserve for South Peak or people that bring infants to late night R rated movies.  At all cost, avoid this game.


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1 Comment to “MindJack…..more like SuckJack!”

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  1. Lawman al says:

    You say this: “…..it is the death nail of the game.”

    The correct expression is death knell…….knell…..as in the sound of a giant bell sounding to announce your death.

    Death nail makes it sound like death by carpentry. Heh heh heh heh.

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