OPTIMOUS DOUCHE TAKES THE BLUE PILL TO REPORT ON THE WORLD INSIDE DC UNIVERSE ONLINE

I know there’s been fuckton of coverage on the MMO that Jim built, but every review seems steeped in game geekdom. To that I say “where are my comic brethren?” How can anyone that weaned from their mother’s teat to Power Girl’s well o’ mammary pass-up the chance to be transported into the best damn Elseworld’s story ever created? Make no mistake kiddies, this is the real deal. DC and Sony have reset the bar for the MMO experience. Welcome to my first day inside the world of the comics. Make no mistake the game still involves the grind, but the perfect fusion of comic lore and rethinking of MMO mechanics have made this the best damn grind anyone has had since junior high.

A WORLD IN PERIL

I thought I would skip the set-up since almost every subject living within the land of Geekdom has viewed the game’s orgasmic opening cinematic that shows the day after tomorrow and the fall of all heroes. However, it is central to why the fuck DC let you step inside this world in the first place so a brief recap might be in order. Also, I know I refused to watch it in a shitty embed, so perhaps there are a few other media snobs out there waiting to view it in game as well.

Well, as I said it’s orgasmic. Simply the most epic brawl I have ever seen displayed by DC…EVER!!!!! I’ve heard rumor that every time Lex Luthor lances the heart of Superman in this cinematic, God loses a year off of his/her life. It’s one of the many moments I wondered why haven’t we seen this universe in comic format?

The second time I pondered that question was when we learn that that the Lex Luthor recounting the story is from the future and the second after he lances the heart of Superman Brainiac double-crosses him and it’s sayonara sol system, hello earth in a bottle. Lex being the ingenious guy he is goes back in time to warn the holy trinity of Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman of this terrible impending future. Most of you would ask why wouldn’t he just go back and tell himself not to get into bed with Brainiac, when BAM…plot development three…the bestest plt development of all arises.

Apparently Brainiac comes back as well and Lex decides to give the brainmeister a bit of his own medicine and a significant leg-up to humanity. You basically get to be a hero thanks to Lex Luthor.  The bald one releases these Brainiac based technoroganic goodies down to earth and the world’s super power population just got a whole lot larger.

I know there is a comic based on the game coming out soon, but it would be so awesome to see just for a short time a mass explosion of regular humans turned super in-continuity. Enough said on that for now…

OK, exposition done…time to swallow the blue pill.

I, OPTIMOUS DOOSH

Fucking puritanical profanity filters. Phonetic fandangos of my online handle aside; the character creation process highlights just how shitty our childhood Crayola creations of super heroes truly were.

The first step is to pick your server, which are all named after famous DC events and mini-series. For me the NEW FRONTIER server was a no-brainiac.

With server selected get ready to lose the first half-hour of the many this game will consume from your life. The choices for character creation will astound the pure comic fan, there’s enough color, costume and skin choices that you will be hard pressed to see two characters that look alike for some time to come. MMO enthusiasts might have a bit of a learning curve during the next step, which is power selection. This being comics and all the traditional role types that encompass most MMORPG groups (e.g. Tank, Healer, DPS, AoE etc…) are not the same cookie-cutter roles we are used to. Class balancing and group dynamics didn’t change, you still need a healer, but where healers in most games come in the form of clerics, medics, etc…with DC Online you see more hybriding of these traditional roles. A mentalist is the top answer here, but don’t think for a second they are the same waifish pussies as clerics. Everyone in DC Online gets to kick ass. Usually the class selection is the hardest choice for me to make in these games. After all that could be your online “job” for the next three to five years, so, one should choose wisely. Being somewhat in the dark though, I just decided to select what I thought was cool.  So my Brawler who likes to pack his punches in ice was born.

Travel mode is another big choice you have to make and don’t think for a second this shit is created equally. The three hyper-travel modes of flight, acrobatics and super-speed may appear the same on the surface, allowing you to rise above or scale the cityscapes, but after having leveled a super-speedster and a flyer, flying hands-down has the tactical advantage. All I’m saying on that…I don’t want to get into any debates on this, being able to survey a pull from the air gives you a pattern perspective for future success the other two modes simply don’t offer.

The final essential choice you have to make is whether you will fight on the side of heroes or villains and what iconic DC character will guide you through this journey. My Mother, a fellow MMO vet since the late 90s begged me to make my first character a good one and since I’ve been aching my entire life to visit Metropolis, Superman became my guide.

TRAINING DAYS

Frantic, pulse pounding, right from the start you know the game was developed for both the RPG traditionalist and button-mashers alike. I haven’t clicked my mouse button this much since replay on “two girls and a cup.” Your training mission takes place aboard Brainiac’s vessel and it is as exciting as it is fun. Jim Lee’s art pops off the screen, the voice acting is superb and the mini-story behind this mission feels exactly like the second part of any epic story-arc you would pull off the shelf.

My only “complaint” is that when Superman (and Lex Luthor for my eeevvviiillll character in Gotham) transports in at the end to help you escape and move forward to Metropolis, the Brother oculd have used a little bit more animation. After being blown away up until this point, Captain Wooden Lips and pole up his ass did break my willing suspension of disbelief for a micro-second. A small nit, but I only point this out because I know it could be easily fixed.

METROPOLIS & GOTHAM – OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO

As I’m writing this article, Optimous Doosh, new hero to Metropolis, and Optimous Dooshborg,  Jewish orthodontist from Palm beach…I mean cybernetic villain from Gotham, have both successfully dinged level 10. So while I am nowhere near ready to PWN the universe, I will say my training wheels have been sufficiently worn in. At the very least I can speak from rudimentary noobertese.

The cities of Gotham and Metropolis are respectfully worlds’ apart in tonality and structure. Metropolis is as every bit the city of tomorrow comic fans would expect. Likewise Gotham lives under the same dark pall that Bob Kane put to page oh so many years ago.

The richness of detail and differentiation in building architecture makes up for any and all delays this game experienced. Every street, building and rooftop has its secrets to share with players.

The days of the rat killing noob are done. Right from your first mission you feel as though you are affecting this world. In Metropolis my first task was to fight back the forces of Gorilla Grodd, which culminated in a side-by-side fight with the Flash against the simian lord in the boss battle. In Gotham I was put on a track by my mentor, the masterfully voiced Joker, to pour a little ultra-violence onto Gotham’s finest. Seriously, Mark Hammill, God bless you sir. You steal the voice acting show. As of this writing the razzie for voice acting is going to Booster Gold and Martian Manhunter. Despite the dialogue for Gold being spot-on in its arrogance and self-promotion, the wimpy cadence was never what I heard when reading JLI.  Martian Manhunter was simply 4 octaves too high.

SONY & DC BREATHE EASY

Your work is done (for now), and you both deserve a hearty congratulations for the world’s first smooth MMO launch (at least from a user perspective). If you ever wanted to live the comics, or if you are simply an MMO enthusiast that wants to do more than hit 1-10 on your keyboard, DC ONLINE is waiting. And so am I. Shoot me a tell on the NEW FRONTIER server at Optimous Doosh in Metropolis or Optimous Dooshborg in Gotham. See you in game.

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2 Comments to “OPTIMOUS DOUCHE TAKES THE BLUE PILL TO REPORT ON THE WORLD INSIDE DC UNIVERSE ONLINE”

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  1. jaydee says:

    after all this time, an actual reason to be jealous of PC’ers!
    Holy shit. I want.
    Also: I kinda wish you ALWAYS spelled your handle DOOSH, hahah!
    “no-brainiac”.
    Brilliant. That was one of the ones that, as you typed it, you high-fived yourself, isn’t it? :)

    Are Gotham and Metropolis the only options? Can I play in Central City??

  2. Yes, I was very pleased with myself for no-brainiac.

    Are you sure this isn’t MAC ready, I would double-check that.

    Metropolis and Gotham are the only two cities, but they are fucking ginourmous. I’m almost level 20 and have still only traversed about a third of each town. This fucker is deep with quests and stories.

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