PopTards Games: A funny thing happened on the way to Reach

‘Ello boys and grrls, the one and only has returned, hung over and angry as ever! I apologize for my disappearing act; the summer lull combined with life kicking my heart in the ass left me little choice. Although I know you all love nothing more than to hear me go on about my life, I would actually like to discuss some games that have made their way to my beloved consoles as of late.

I feel obligated to start with arguably the biggest release this year: Halo Reach. Now I’m a huge Halo fan boy, it’s the game that brought me from PC FPS over to the console, and Bungie did not disappoint with its final Halo game.  I have been making it a point to say this is Bungie’s final Halo game because frankly, if you think Microsoft is going to let the game that made the 360 successful (read: profitable)…well, I don’t smoke it but I wanna buy pot from you cause damn that shit must be strong.

Halo Reach is the precursor to the original Halo story line and is the tale of the final days of the Earth colony known as Reach that was completely glassed by Covenant forces.  It follows Nobel team and its newest member, Nobel 6, the hyper powered space marine you control that actually has lines in this game. Anyone that is familiar with the Halo universe knows there is no way to give this story a happy ending, everyone has to die, and Bungie did not disappoint…almost.  My biggest gripe with the game is how Noble Two was taken out.  Every member of Noble Team dies either by selfless sacrifice or in the heat of battle, sans Noble Two.  Bungie shamelessly has her sniped while running across and open area. Not the warrior death a Spartan deserves. I’m tempted to cry sexist, but I feel it was lazy more than anything else. It would have been simple to give her a mortal wound, and she stays behind to buy the rest of Noble Team some extra escape time, hell, anything would have been better then a single shot just popping her like a zit.  That smudge and my issue with the Legendary difficulty being on par with trying to bang a chainsaw and not get cut are two of very few complaints about the game.

The control scheme is very, very familiar.  The graphics and environments are beyond gorgeous. The addition of the space battle was fantastic and loads of fun, but very short.  The shortness of the space combat is my biggest complaint about the game. The weapons are the usual affair for halo, and the enemies are the ones you would expect to run into.  The single or co-op campaign is a decent length, for a halo game anyway.  Honestly, at this point fans of the franchise are mostly in it for the multiplayer, but solo campaign nerds like myself won’t be too disappointed.

I’m going to bypass the multiplayer side of things for the moment, haven’t had a chance to really get into it, but I hear it’s tightened up from the beta release and got some polish and a few new extras. Plus Halo multiplayer being good is kind of a give in at this point in the game.

I’m going to leave you with the sweet, yet angry dessert to finish off this meal of game review. Red Dead Redemption has been out for awhile, and has been getting some really good reviews and praise heaped on it from just about everyone.  I thought it was a great game…FOR ME TO POOP ON! I have tried, at great lengths to see why everyone seems to love this game and can not for the life of me find any reason.

I found the characters to be annoying or completely lacking any depth which made it impossible to connect with them.  The fact that everyone in the game was a dick, asshole or dumb as a dumb rock didn’t help either.  The constant on the nose dialog between the characters only added to the frustration.  The game is loaded with glitches. Many of which should have been found during testing.  The control scheme was absurd and don’t even get me started on the damn horses.  You’ll remember back in my Super Mario Galaxy 2 review I said “Yoshi also makes an appearance in the game as the only thing that could make me miss the handling of the cars in Grand Theft Auto”. Well, now I have something to make me miss the handling of Yoshi.  So it’s got that going. The story on its own was muddled and seems to meander around a bit, like a head trauma patient trying to remember where they put their keys. The middle finger ending is like getting kicked in the balls with by someone wearing spiked steel toe boots that squirt lemon juice and salt.  The backgrounds were really pretty though, so congrats Rock Star, you found you’re true calling of making desktop backgrounds and screen savers, now please let Grand Theft Auto and all its clones that you pump out like some kind of shit cloning factory DIAF!

That’s about all I have for this week kids. I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try harder to get my post up more frequently.  Life is like the I-5 in LA, during rush hours and escaped bulls on crack are roaming the freeway, stopping only to sexually violate a Pirus.  Have fun with that visual!

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1 Comment to “PopTards Games: A funny thing happened on the way to Reach”

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  1. Gene Buryakovsky says:

    Nice review. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting the 360 mainly cause of the new Halo game. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on the 360 universe.

    I could not get into Red Dead and your review of it certainly is not encouraging me, hehe.

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